Stay
by Novoux
Summary: It's hard to let go of something Shizuo still loves. Shizaya


Shizuo never expects the call. Two fifty-five in the morning he's still awake, glaring at his phone before it starts buzzing. The funny thing is that he lets it ring, because he can't possibly fathom anyone sane enough to call so early in the goddamn morning he hasn't slept in.

On the last ring, before the call ends, he sloppily flips open his phone, connecting the call and inevitably, a night he may as well say goodbye to any chance of sleeping.

" _Shizu...chan,_ " Izaya's voice is raw and sore like the first argument that leads to _this._ Shizuo pinches the bridge of his nose to calm himself down over the first burst of energy, not quite rage and not quite hope that crackles in his chest like a wildfire.

He pretends he ignores the sigh that escapes him. Izaya does too, or not—it doesn't really matter. "What do you want, flea?"

This is not an excuse, to—stop right there. He knows how this will end because they've never spoken since the day Shizuo decided to walk out on Izaya calling it quits.

Izaya pauses for several moments, Shizuo tasting the breaths of uneven thinking filtering through the phone and he imagines if he's lost all that much.

" _You could start with why you're up this late."_ Izaya's laugh under his mumble isn't even bitter. It's more of the sad sort that shifts into heavy uncomfortable tension that just won't leave. Knowing him, Izaya's probably just bored and looking for a target. He _knew_ better, though, and he would if it hadn't turned out thinking he doesn't know anything at all. " _Getting bored of missing my voice, Shizu-chan?"_

"Not likely, brat." Shizuo can't bring himself for a better comeback, hung up on the way his own voice mimics the same way Izaya's starts to crack. This is all a setup, with Izaya calling for some reason and this is the first time Shizuo's heard from him at all in so long. "Unless you're starting to consider jumping off a skyscraper. Took you long enough then."

It shouldn't hurt when he hears himself. There's a rustle of what sounds like wind, something clicking quietly in the background. And is it supposed to be bad when he regrets every word coming out of his mouth?

" _Do you really mean that, Shizu-chan?"_ The despondency in Izaya's voice is so tangible and real it makes him want to say _no_ immediately until he realizes he can't. Just like the stupid back and forth conversations, he gave that up the moment he left.

"You wouldn't even consider it," Shizuo chooses his voice carefully, stubbornly swallowing the ache of trying too hard to sound indifferent. That's more of Izaya's forte, seeing as he's never been able to pull off cold and callous like Izaya can.

All Izaya does is pull at him, distorting everything Shizuo believes he knows about himself and the one who's messing with all of him. " _And you wouldn't care, ne, Shizu-chan._ "

It _hurts._ "Stop acting like a goddamn child and tell me what the hell you want so you can go back to ignoring me like you always do." Apparently eight months isn't long enough for heartache to _begin_ to lessen.

He should've listened to Celty's warnings. Only in the end, it's his fault and it's Izaya's too. And it's stupidly just like them to one-up each other in something that's not even worth it.

" _Do you miss that, Shizu-chan?"_ Izaya starts, another sigh slipping past his lips and Shizuo wonders if it's because of him. Probably is. " _Saying you don't care when you do? And all for me, too."_

Shizuo snorts quietly but it sounds more like a groan. "Who said I give a damn? You're the one who—nevermind," it's ridiculous how he can find himself pulled back into Izaya's games. Must be a lasting effect like the side effects of arguments he starts and Izaya goes along with that leave him cold and Izaya's shoulders shivering with silent rage. "What am I supposed to do about it, Izaya? You gave up on me anyway."

" _You left,"_ Izaya's voice turns cold and Shizuo's fingers feel numb. " _Don't you remember, stupid brute? You left because you couldn't handle me anymore."_

A hand pulls Shizuo's face at an attempt to drag his lips away from the frown he can't help. "I couldn't deal with you leaving without saying anything for days, weeks at a time, or how you couldn't say you loved me at all." He feels bitter, angry and scorned because it should be Izaya's fault and somehow it's still his. "It's not fair to put an entire relationship on one person, Izaya. You wouldn't take anything seriously, all you did was leave."

Silence rushes back in with the comfort of how hollow he's let himself become. It takes minutes of deciding whether or not to hang up and just forget—what _can_ he forget—before Izaya shatters all hope.

" _And I dealt with your anger, your anxiety, your obsessions, and your constant self-depreciation."_ Izaya doesn't spare him, jabbing like the pocket knives he keeps and that click in the background when Izaya doesn't think Shizuo's listening. " _Who was it that listened to you, Shizu-chan? Who stopped you from losing your temper over and over again? Because I don't remember anyone else who looked at you and didn't expect everything."_

The venom in his voice is unmistakable. But instead of responding—it would only cause another fight, one that he'd rather avoid at this point. He knows Izaya loves to be childish, since it's the only thing he knows how to do well and no matter how much it irks him, exploding into another argument won't solve anything. As far as he remembers it only turns into the same circuitry of the last time they fought.

He takes a deep breath, stupid enough and the parts of him that just won't _die_ have to listen to Izaya's feet on bare floor, the chatter of his teeth clicking together. And in an instant behind his eyes he can picture Izaya shivering, eyes on him with an expectant look to be held or have extra blankets on hand because he hates the cold and only Shizuo is warm enough to provide some relief.

"And I tried, Izaya, to deal with your moods and the ups and downs. The nightmares because I've had them too, plus the panic attacks and the lack of control you always felt. I tried anything I could because I couldn't think of losing you just because you wouldn't listen to me." Heartfelt, more or less when Izaya won't look past his own stubbornness and they're both flawed as can be, which makes them so dangerous and so stupid when put together.

" _I told you I didn't want to be caged..."_ Izaya falters, voice hanging by a thread and maybe it's worse for him how far they've come. " _You kept insisting medications, doctor visits, and you_ lied _to me. You told me you'd never force me into anything."_ More chattering teeth and a heavy swallow, like burying the burden of guilt that stretches far from Shizuo's fingers and tucks itself into Izaya's conscious.

But he can't just conveniently forget who's at fault too. "Then why are you talking to me?" Shizuo heaves a heavy sigh, trying not to think of his ex-boyfriend shivering a week before Christmas and whatever the hell he's been up to since the last time they saw each other. "Because you're not proving anything, Izaya. If you want to hear an apology, then forget it."

It's his turn to be silent and the longer it stretches the less likely he'll remember what he's holding out for.

" _I don't need an apology. Shizu-chan."_ Izaya swallows three times in a row and Shizuo feels like he's missing something. Out of place, out of reach and not out of mind like it should be because he knows the little habits Izaya has. And he doesn't want to remember this one. " _I want to know."_

A calloused hand rubs at his face and an eye, wiping any chance of sleep away. "What do you want? Because I can't give you whatever you wanna hear, and you know that too." He shakes his head more at himself than Izaya, used to the confusing rush that constitutes Izaya and whatever he's thinking. It makes him realize, bit by bit, that he's never been over what has been the end of them.

" _Why?"_

Of all questions, he _had_ to ask that one. Like it isn't hard enough to swallow the reality that tastes much worse than fighting over stupid things he should've never started.

"Why what? Why I dated you in the first place?" He thinks it's just a joke, some more ammunition Izaya has against him and whether or not Izaya loved him at all isn't relevant, even if his brain keeps asking and pressing for more. Izaya never lets him think straight because it's just how he is.

Flighty. One second he's there and in Shizuo's hands, and the next moment he's long gone and his eyes are redder than Shizuo's ever seen them.

And then he hears the break in tension. Starting softly, barely loud enough for him to hear and his heart is sinking and his stomach is digesting itself with the sort of disgust he has for himself. Just one little noise, a sniff and suspiciously close to the kind of crying he imagines Izaya would do. Of course, Izaya's never cried in front of him, but it's still jarring enough to know Izaya is the one on the phone with him this early in the morning.

" _Why did you leave, Sh-Shizu...chan?"_ Izaya's tone wavers, trying to be hateful and angry or just neutral and taunting but he fails and it's the side he hates showing. Emotions are too hard for him to grasp the concept of and Shizuo knows it well, more than Izaya should and it's never bothered him when he thought they were in love.

"'Cause you asked me to." The answer isn't simple enough and it's not enough at the same time. Izaya doesn't make a sound and Shizuo has more than needed of a mental picture, Izaya breaking down for a rare moment where he's not there and it hurts all over again. "'Cause I'm a fucking idiot and I didn't know when to stop being an asshole and you didn't know how to tell me you cared enough for me to stay."

Izaya laughs, a sharp sound that never convinces him. It never was supposed to, not Shizuo.

" _Then it's pointless to ask if you loved me. Guess that happens when a monster tries to play god."_

"No, no it's not, you damn idiot." Shizuo breathes through his teeth, frustrated and tearing himself apart at this rate. Izaya probably doesn't care, but maybe he does and Shizuo doesn't. Confusing, but that's how it's always been. "That's a fucking stupid question because I still love you and I never stopped loving you. And you're still the same, don't you try to tell me you're over it because you can't lie to me, not like this."

" _What do you want to hear? 'I love you'?"_ Izaya spits, shivering and still trying to cover up the damage Shizuo's left when he knows he's done the same. " _You're as disappointing as ever, Shizu-chan."_

"And you're hopeless," he swallows the knot in his throat and he's glancing toward the clock thinking he's stupid but it's not like it'll stop him. "You still act this way when you don't get what you want because you don't know what you want." His fingers twitch for his shoes and the time of night doesn't matter, nothing matters more than the sound of Izaya's breaths losing their pace and his chest caving in on itself.

"All this and nothing's changed, Izaya." He's already at his feet, out of bed and there's no care about going out in his pajamas when his mind's set. All he needs is just a couple words, a confirmation or a breath or even something small as a sigh to know that he's doing something instead of fooling himself into thinking he could ever be forgiven. "What do you want from me, Izaya? What am I supposed to do? Play games with you or do you want to talk to me for once instead of lying and saying you don't?"

" _...What are you trying to get out of this, Shizu-chan?"_ He sounds exhausted as far as Shizuo can tell, adding to the ache of wanting to see him and knowing he's close to messing up all over again if he tries.

Leaning against the bedroom door, Shizuo musters up the courage, integrity, whatever it takes to break the ice and _say it_ before he loses the chance. Two deep breaths, a hand through his hair and feeling anxious like he's on a tightrope with no way but down.

"I want to talk. If you're calling me this late then you do too and I want to start over because I miss you and I know you love me, that's why you're trying to play a game you're losing." He chokes on his voice, swallowing abruptly. "There's no winning or losing to relationships, Izaya. You know that. Exactly why I want to start over and you've got to tell me whether you want to or not and I'll leave it there. You don't wanna see me? That's fine. If you do, we'll talk." _Just listen to me this one time_ rings in his head like a migraine swelling and rising from the depths of his brain readying to torture him some more.

" _What happens if I do?"_ Izaya sounds close to breaking down completely, losing all sense of collected calm that he's never kept since the beginning of this conversation. It may sound hopeless to him but to Shizuo he feels his chest burning and his throat raw, hearing the words echo in his ears like an opportunity presented to him as a take it or leave it type of thing, except it's one last chance.

"Then go start a bath 'cause you're cold and we'll talk. Anything you want to talk about, we will." He can't hope too much and at the same time he feels nausea churn his stomach, hopeless to control the anxiety in his veins and freezing him to the bones. "Just this one time, and if things don't work out, then that's it."

Izaya's silent, almost as if considering it until Shizuo hears the sound of water running and a tiny little shiver.

" _...Okay."_

 _I love you,_ he wants to say, but he settles for "I'll see you soon."

The sound of Izaya falling asleep on the phone answers him. It's the soft sound of breaths evening out that keeps his legs moving, the adrenaline pushing through his veins trying to war in his head that it's not all over. The fact is that he has a second chance, something he'd never expect and he can't mess this up or it's over and he doesn't want to know the feeling of failing twice.

And the entire way he nearly runs to Izaya's apartment and up the elevator to the room he knows by heart, he can hear Izaya's breathing rustling through the phone. Nothing would bother him now, but at least if Izaya's clumsy enough to fall asleep with the phone on then he's probably as hung up over the breakup as Shizuo's been for the past months that stretch for far too long. Maybe he's over-thinking everything and it's not as good as it could be, but this is more than he needs for the both of them. And he's sure Izaya needs it too, being the one to start all of this for some reason or another.

"Izaya?" He knocks at the door, waiting for anything to prove Izaya's listening, only the phone pressed to his ear tells him Izaya's not making a sound, the call still connected and hearing his voice echo through. Fishing through his pockets—taken off his nightstand from the place it's been sitting in for months now—he reaches the apartment door's key, unlocking it with a slow click and turn of the door before letting himself in.

Making his way through the apartment, trying to swallow down the memories that come flooding back to him, isn't easy. The heaviness in his chest lingers as he reaches the bathroom up the stairs, the door left open and steam slowly wafting out from the small crack of the door.

"Izaya…?" he starts, tentatively pushing the door open and closing it behind himself. Izaya, the same as eight months ago, leans against the bathtub, arms folded and pillowing his head. Blissfully unaware, and the pang that resides in Shizuo's chest doesn't leave even after he comes to terms with seeing his...Izaya in front of him. Not like he hasn't been missing him all this time and the surge of realization comes to hit him _now_ of all times.

"Izaya," Shizuo carefully walks over to the bathtub, gingerly brushing his fingers on the pale skin of Izaya's arm. Gooseflesh rises in his wake, leading to a soft sigh that comes from the sleepy informant when he shifts in his arms, groaning quietly in protest.

The sight silences Shizuo, leaving him transfixed on the same skin he's kissed and touched and held for so long before the sudden breakup, leaving him emptier than before after he's already drawn his hand away. It's not enough, he finds himself reaching for the soft strands of hair that slip over Izaya's face before reminding himself he's not allowed to do that anymore.

"Izaya, c'mon," he _tries_ , and no matter how hard he does, the name is painful on his lips as it is swallowing every moment he's missed. "You'll get cold in the bath, don't make me pull you out."

Unbeknownst to Shizuo, Izaya is already awake before Shizuo sits on the toilet seat, burying his face in a hand and raking his fingers through his hair. Only aware enough to have listened to the words that come from Shizuo, but barely enough to function beyond that. And whatever emotion is on his face Shizuo can't see, for once, but in the battle of sleep and emotion-fueled arguments, he doesn't care for the latter.

"Just...take me out then..." Izaya yawns, refusing to catch Shizuo's eyes that are on him the moment he makes a noise. "'m tired, I don't..." He doesn't watch the way Shizuo's hesitant, almost afraid of him when he reaches for a towel and then swallows over and over again like it'll help release the tension pulling his throat shut and his ribcage to crack.

When Shizuo's hand finally touches his skin, Izaya raises his head, sleep-addled eyes catching Shizuo's wary gaze and blinking slowly. "Shizu-chan..." he reaches for his ex-boyfriend's face, not acting like they've been apart this long and inherently forgetting that Shizuo is the one who left first when he runs his wet fingers against the blond's cheek.

He doesn't know the kind of agony it is for Shizuo, watching Izaya fold into his arms after a towel covers him with the kind of fissures that heartaches come with when they're cracked open and left to bleed. He probably knows the feeling if he's too trusting now to let himself be carried into the bedroom they used to share—maybe it's a side effect of missing this too.

"Izaya, I shouldn't..." Shizuo suddenly sounds unsure of himself when he places the informant on his bed, the flashbacks of memories rewinding in his head and tucking behind his ears where he hears every conversation they've ever had in here. From first kisses to sleeping together and deciding where their relationship lies, it's all there and it curls itself in one of Shizuo's tensed fists, poised for flight because fighting doesn't work.

Izaya, always the one full of surprises even if they've been together for a year and a half, somehow managing that long in trying to get to know each other, doesn't miss a beat. "Don't go, Shizuo."

A hand rises and waits for Shizuo's to take it, kisses pressed against the cooled skin and tanned fingers curling in the feeling of missing _him_ for so long.

"Don't go," Izaya whispers, eyes open long enough to look at Shizuo almost pleadingly, voice hoarse and his eyes bright with the same emotion bottled up for too long. Shizuo doesn't think he'll ever know what's behind those eyes, trained on him and waiting, a spark of hope in them that he won't leave.

Shizuo doesn't answer, hesitating until the fingers in his tug him into bed and he knows he's gone. He breathes, biting his tongue.

"Okay." Hopeless to escape, because the minute those eyes catch his is the minute he knows he can't leave. Not when he hasn't seen Izaya, not when he can't forget what it feels like to love and lose and feel miserable enough without hearing a word from the same one he's been with for so long.

As soon as he shuffles awkwardly into the bed, trying to keep himself composed long enough to not show the pain that wears at his expression, Izaya turns to him, wrapped in blankets and in this darkness it's good for him that Shizuo can't see much.

Though he thinks he feel wetness brushing against his chest, tasting bittersweet on his lips when Izaya's cheek finds his lips and a hand curls in Shizuo's. And maybe it's his fault, because his vision is kind of blurry and neither of them will admit.

"I miss you," comes the quiet murmur, and it means the same _I love you_ that Shizuo misses the most.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading._


End file.
